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Brian's Story

Others Live, Because I Survive - This is Brian's Story 

As I tormented myself with thoughts of suicide, I never imagined that my survival would result in others survival also...

I have lived with a great deal of physical pain, since Christmas Eve, 1999.  After three years of dealing with this pain, my thought process changed from believing I could heal, to the realization that the problem was only getting worse, to then thoughts of suicide because the this level of pain for 24 hours every day and every night, month after month, year after year, wore me down, beat me down to the point where I decided I should not suffer any more.  Throughout the first fourteen years of this, I had no idea that living with this pain would result in poetry and short stories that inspire others to live on. 

If I pulled the trigger, I never would have received a message from Syrian freedom fighters, telling me that the poetry I write about the struggles and suffering of Syrians inspires them to fight on, despite the odds against them, despite exhaustion.

If I swallowed all of those pills I hoarded for years, I never would have been asked by churches across the U.S., England and New Zealand, if they could read aloud the poetry I write about the homeless, or the refugees who are desperate for survival.

If I pulled the trigger, I never would have connected with counselors who work with prison inmates, and the poetry would not have been incorporated into the ‘Alternatives to Violence Program’ in both men and women’s prisons.  I wouldn’t have been around for the counselors to let me know that the poetry inspires inmates to the point of them having one poem or another printed and posted on their cell block wall, because it inspires them.

If I swallowed all of those pills on any one of the hundreds of nights I spent sitting alone in my car at 3a.m., holding the pills and a bottle of water, I never would have been around to share the poetry I write about the pain of others, on social media.  The poetry that is now incorporated into group counseling for military veterans with PTSD never would have been written.  I never would have connected with military veterans traumatized by the horrors of war. Poetry that is incorporated into counseling of veterans battling addiction, that poetry would not exist.

I have been told that they talk about this in group counseling; the poetry I write has prevented more than one veteran from pulling the trigger, and becoming another statistic, another soldier suicide.  If I pulled the trigger, others might have pulled the trigger too.

For fourteen years, from year 2000 – 2014, I lived only to exist in pain.  I saw no reason for my existence.  I found no positive reason to continue to suffer.  I was desperate to escape the pain of life.  I had no idea what was to come.  I had no idea that the pain would result in writing poetry that found real-world applications across so many different situations.  After fourteen years of living with pain, I started to write about the suffering of others, hoping to encourage compassion and understanding.  I write in hopes of inspiring others to get involved in their community to help those in need, in any way they can.  For fourteen years I lived in pain, and had no purpose.  For fourteen years I had no idea what was coming next.
I had no idea...

- Brian 

The above is a true story that was shard by Brian so other people like himself would not have to feel alone when dealing with life situations. If you would like to share your story, please contact me -HERE-

Be Well,
Jac

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